The mummy debate! Do you have an opinion? Should mummies stay home? Should mummies work part time? Is it ok for children to be in care up to 40 hours per week? Do children deserve our undivided attention? Should they be socialising early on? Do you have an opinion?
Of course you do. We all do. We all have feelings. We all think and analyse and examine and second guess ourselves and compare ourselves and … the list goes on. The truth is we are are born with a brain, consequently we all have a point of view on everything. Sometimes that point of view is one of indifference but it is still your very own point of view.
As mothers and fathers we all just want one thing. Regardless of our income, address, marital status or job title we just want to raise happy and well-adjusted children. Our theories on reaching that goal are different. But We are all different. This is something I have to keep telling myself over and over again in the last few months since returning to work.
You see I have many mummy friends, whom I admire for various reasons. I have friends whom are full time stay at home mummies who do amazing jobs day in and out. They make it look easy. I have friends who juggle part time work, motherhood and study. Sometimes believe it or not they almost look tired doing that. But they do it. Of course there are the full time out of the home working mummies who still have to do the housework and spend time with the children as well as turn up for work motivated and productive. I have friends that are still in the process of becoming a mummy who already have to make the heart wrenching decisions about how long they can stay home with their newborn before they have to return to the workforce. Whatever type of mummy you have chosen to be you have made sacrifices either emotionally, physically or financially. For that you must not apologise.
We seem to judge other parents so often but do we ever stop to think that there may be more to the story. At the very least, we do seem like a good label. I am not sure if labelling makes people feel more comfortable in knowing what to expect from a person or if we just like to label so as we can tick off some imaginary checklist in our heads that help us reconcile what we deem “normal” in our own little worlds.
I saw an article recently titled “Stop the Mommy Wars” from herscoop.com. It had a series of photos of women making a simple statement about the choices they have made for themselves and their families. It totally resonated with me simply because we, as women, have a choice and that alone is reason enough to come together. We have a choice about what WE want from our own lives. Being a mother or father is a gift. For some being a parent defines us, makes our mark in the world and that is truly satisfying. For others there is a need to contribute to the workforce while at the same time juggling the roller coaster ride of parenthood. Does that make one parent better at child raising better or just different.
I truly am tired of the debates we cause between each other. We are all doing the best we can with the skills and knowledge that we have. Surely that is enough. Surely that is all we can ask of ourselves for each day. Of course there will be some days that we will do an amazing job of something, exceeding our skills or knowledge. Give yourself a high five and for heavens sake don’t mount that high horse, because tomorrow it might be an awfully long fall for you. Especially if you add a little personality into the mix (by little I am referring to your little ones personality).
We all have good, great and bad days with our kiddies. Sometimes it is because of our parenting choices and some days it is because our little person just has a bad day. It just makes us parents and nothing else. No need for labels really just another opportunity to make a choice to get through the day with a happy and safe child. Which is a little tricky from a pigeon hole right?
However because I am feeling inspired I am going to make some personal statements knowing that you, my beautifully supportive readers, will hopefully still enjoy my company after you have read these. More importantly I am confident that you are all thinking women and you will respect my right to choose regardless of or in spite of my reasons because ultimately I have the right to choose.
So here goes;
• I choose for my relationship with my husband to come first. I want my children to learn what a healthy respectful relationship can achieve when tested against anything life will throw at it. So far so good we still love each other so that is helpful. However our marriage comes first. We need to be a team. Of course the needs of the children come before our own but for us if we are strong we can take on the world and set a damn good example for the wee ones. Strength in unity.
• I chose to feed my child. How is not important. But in the interest of full disclosure I bottle feed. It is not what is put into the bottle but what is put into the feed. I tried breastfeeding, I tried expressing. I couldn’t manage to get it working despite my efforts. It was not an easy decision, especially considering the battle of the prem baby but I had to make a decision. Guess what I endured the guilt and the nasty looks and the advice and damn tv commercials reminding me every few hours that I couldn’t not quite make my boobs do what they were designed to do and now I am on the other side. I still hold my 15month old when he has his bottle before bed. It is about nourishment and I did what I had to do for my babies.
• I choose to work. Personal circumstance has changed the arrangements to something I was not quite ready for but I had to make a choice. Some days I could not imagine not working and some days I wish that I just did not have to. Other days I simply feel like a crappy mum because I am not there with them. It is what it is. I like working, I need to work. I feel better about being me if I work. Sure I miss out on hours with my children but that does not necessarily mean I miss out on moments with them. I get guilty that I can’t do play dates during the week and that we have to have end of day discussion in the car and sometimes I carry them sleeping from the car and have to save our conversations till morning. But my sacrifice now will hopefully pay off down the track with some freedom of a different kind.
• I tried control crying. It did not work. We ended up at a paediatric sleep specialist and a whole lot of answers and consequently sleep. At first I blamed our parenting though and took the hard line. It broke me. I spent time sitting in the hallway crying with the baby. Yelling at my husband. Wanting the damn baby to just sleep. Always blaming myself. What did I do differently? Is this because I am not doing one on one time enough? I tried, it did not work for our baby, either baby actually but for different reasons.
• I cannot tolerate whining. I see red. I don’t tolerate it from adults and I sure as eggs won’t tolerate it from my children. I teach my children, particularly my daughter, not to whine but to problem solve. I have taught her to say “I am not a whinger I am a problem solver”. Harsh? Maybe. Life lesson, you bet your smartphone it is. She is strong, independent and driven. I want her to problem solve, I want to embrace her hard headedness. I am proud of her. In this house, we don’t “do” damsels in distress. Sure I let her watch Disney movies occasionally (when she is allowed to watch tv) but guess what her favourite is, of all the movies they have produced and a mother whom is a hopeless romantic, she adores FROZEN. Yes ladies and gentlemen she will pay for and build her own home Elsa style, so help me god.
• I hate exercise. I know I need to do it, I just don’t enjoy the usual forms. I prefer to clean and tidy the house and read a good book. I am not proud of the fact that I dislike exercise and heaven knows it can cause some friction in the home on occasions (Captain Happy is an exercise nut whom cannot sit still, until he falls in a heap of exhaustion and is useless to even converse with). I have put it on the “self improvement list” but I make no promises to like it.
And some quick ones to wrap it up
• I have lost all my pregnancy weight but I need to lost the pre-pregnancy weight now too.
• I was traumatised by the birth of baby number one emotionally and physically
• I use disposable nappies
• I allow my kids to eat fast food on occasion but don’t offer dessert unless it is a special occasion.
• We sometimes do timeout
• We have a bedtime routine but sometimes we just throw it out the window and enjoy the moment.
• We are a force to be reckoned with. We love our extended families but our world begins and ends with the four of us
To my friends, who have possibly recognised themselves in this blog and have also possibly smiled in recognition of my quirks. Does this make you feel any differently about me as your friend? I feel the same of you. I don’t label you, you just are my beautiful friends. I don’t care if you work at home, in the home, out of the home or on the moon. You are just a cool person that inspires me to be a better me.
So here is my conclusion. Feel free to label me and others if, and only if, you are comfortable being put into a pigeon hole yourself. If you don’t like the idea of that and want to be considered as a person with choices then “Hello friend lets change the world”
Lets proudly wear the badge of “PARENT”
I am a parent. I do the best I can each day with the choices, challenges, skills, knowledge, love and energy that I have on that day. Yes I plan for the future and parent accordingly but I can only do what I can do on the day.
Now that is a badge we can all wear with pride especially when having to make some tough choices!

Love My Own Mummy