Our Miss 3 has always been a strong spirited little treasure. She knows just how to test every theory, pre-conception and confidence we ever had in relation to parenting. She is however our little girl and despite wanting to run a mile some days just to escape the constant/relentless/spirit testing questioning she exudes, she is generally pretty cool. She is strong willed, independent, curious, hard nosed and annoyingly clever. We clash at every turn, quite literally. I am proud of her determined nature, her natural courage, her energy except when it is directed at me of course.

She has always been difficult to get to sleep. I am not sure if that is due to her being in hospital so long surrounded by nurses that would tend to her at all hours or just because she was put on this earth to test her parents (I am guessing the latter). Anyhow she was always difficult right up until she turned three and then something just clicked and all the hard work and perseverance had paid off. She was put to bed and she stayed there. No drink requests, no imaginary friend being too noisy in the cupboard, just sleep.

Because of the previous history we were not surprised when she introduced “giants” to the bedtime routine. I am not sure where it came from or in fact why she thinks there are “giants” in her room or the house but she does. The best we have come up with is it’s possibly headlights casting shadows on windows. It started out as just a statement and she was placated by one of us simply asking the giants to go home and let her sleep. Recently, in the last, month, it seems to be a genuine fear rather than just an excuse to get some extra attention before sleeping. It was taking a cuddle and flooding the room and hallway with light to convince her that all was normal and safe.

Tonight was different. She was well behaved, was reasonably happy to go to bed even though we had left story time too late and had to take a raincheck. She was quiet and I assumed she was sleeping. I was chatting on the phone to a girlfriend when a little voice called to me. I listened to what she was wanting to tell me and dismissed her complaint of giants as just an excuse to talk on the phone (latest craze).

I went to return her back to bed after finishing the phone call but something on the TV caught my eye (ok not my greatest mummy moment but I was tired) right at the same time she started a blood curdling scream whilst staring down the hallway. It was so different and so clearly a terrified scream that I almost wanted to run to the hallway expecting someone there. I swallowed my own fear and crossed the room and scooped her up. She was literally shaking and sobbing and still yelling. I managed to translate that there was a “little giant” coming to get her. So I immediately flooded the entire house with light, praying that the screaming hadn’t woken the sleeping baby at the end of the hall. We walked all through the house including the bedrooms to show her that there was nothing to be scared of. I immediately said to her “See there are no giants”. What I so wished that I had said was “there is nothing to be scared of”. My intentions were to remove the fear in warp speed time but did I just in fact tell my very impressionable baby that “you are just seeing things silly girl”? I certainly wasn’t wanting to take away from the obvious fear she felt, gosh she scared the daylights out of me for a second; but did I just dismiss that fear rather than address the cause and reassure her that her little bubble was safe.

Putting aside my stupid overthinking brain I put on my nurturing hat and took action. Normally I would be totally efficient and put her back to bed gently saying that all is well and its time to go to sleep and mummy would make sure no one was in her room. Not tonight. Tonight I just sat on the couch, held her shaking little body, wiped away the last of the tears and let her fall asleep in my arms. Who cares that she was held to fall asleep, that we sat on the couch, that I held her far longer than I needed to even though she was fast asleep.

Every parent has this moment and probably more than one. I am not claiming to be special at all. I am just wondering whether sometimes we could think about what we brush over and what we stop and take stock of. I am usually the one of those people that doesn’t dwell too much, just gets on with something and avoids the drama were possible. Truth be told I think I might actually be too obsessed with this approach that it has become a habit and security blanket.

Am I only one that wishes, usually all too late, that they could have answered better, more honestly or more genuinely; rather than the answers that immediately come to mind.

M.O.M